British burrito Mate! Sausage, bacon, cheesy mashed potatoes, pan fried with a chili smother. Smacked in the gob!

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A nice little film about a lazy ass that sits around all day and watches a bunch of old movies.

A nice little film about a lazy ass that sits around all day and watches a bunch of old movies.

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Blood, blood, blood, blood, more blood, blood, blood, music!

Blood, blood, blood, blood, more blood, blood, blood, music!

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Don’t watch this if you are offended by ummmm…. anything. But definitely watch it if you hate babies and cats.

Don’t watch this if you are offended by ummmm…. anything. But definitely watch it if you hate babies and cats.

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Oooooo an appetiter? We’re not ones to pass up a good pre-eat and yes, we would like to try the Champagne of all Beef Jerkies! All the way from down under. Thanks mate! Oy, crikey! Wallaby! A great way to start the Feastival, a Feastivus for the least of us if you will. After our app we knew we had a long night ahead of us and we needed something strong, something inspired, something dangerous, something epic, something….classic. Blubberella. A classic sammich created for a classic movie and a classic woman warrior was getting another night in the lime light. If we’re gonna watch multiple intestine closeups, cats and Cockroach get taken advantage of by monsters and a baby get eaten, then we want, no, we need bacon, pastrami, kilbasa, sour kraut, pickles, cheese, thousand island, and tater tots in our bellies. Courage on a bun, a strength sandwich, a gluten free vegan baconpastramikilbasa power salad. We find it best to phrase things 3 ways. We can be creepy, cryptic and smart while we’re not making sense. That mass of amazing meat got us through Feast 2 & 3 and VHS 2 without having to worry about silly things like plot and good taste. Got a bad idea? Do you like to offend people? Do you like mariachis and giant robots all of a sudden? Got some sick stuff in your head you don’t want anyone to ever know about? Want to put all that shit out into the world somehow? Well its too late, these 3 movies were already made. Its alllll out there now. Just eat your giant food and look away. When heads being blown off and babies and grandmas being eaten by monsters are comic relief, you know you’re in for a long night. Or do you? The beauty of the Blubberella is that you don’t know much of anything going on for at least a couple of hours.

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Too bad to be good! Too good to be bad! Too Alien to be Star Wars! Too Star Wars to be Alien! A true battle for space, life and sauna supremacy.

Too bad to be good! Too good to be bad! Too Alien to be Star Wars! Too Star Wars to be Alien! A true battle for space, life and sauna supremacy.

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A grand experiment! Steak and cheese Mashed potato balls with jalepenos. Food engineering at its finest.

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Armed with nothing but an uzi, a rifle and a grenade launcher, Bronson takes down Drugs!

Armed with nothing but an uzi, a rifle and a grenade launcher, Bronson takes down Drugs!

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You might get your head chopped off but that ox looked delicious.

You might get your head chopped off but that ox looked delicious.

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Why didn’t you tell us lumberjacks? This is what you eat for breakfast every day? Maybe we’d do a little more yardwork if we knew this was part of the gig. Maybe not, but we damn sure are on board with your sandwich. Axes make a hell of a lawnmower, not to mention a perfect tool to fight giant upside down alien spiders and scare away dick doors. After a meal this hearty and a shot of soy sauce coursing through your meat-thickened veins, not even ol’ Paul Bunyan would stand a chance against you. Not if you could get off the couch! Double feature nights are a test of endurance and we had the perfect base, ready to take on a camping/prison trip, inter-dimension battle for humanity, and most importantly, watching two movies. Fried chicken not enough for you? Maple it up! Plain old bacon kinda boring? Laquer it dude! No sausages in your sammy? Link em, fry em, eat em! Oh shit you ran out of bread? What, are you too good to use waffles? You dick! Dry sammy? Duh, pour a bucket of maple syrup on therrrre. 100% maple, like from a tree and shit. Um… That doesn’t sound very healthy… What? You didn’t see the lil pieces of peppers in the cheese? They don’t call it meatjack. Mmmmm meatjack cheese. Where were we? Oh yeah, 4 food groups bitches! Done and done. And done and done. The Mrs. even managed to whip up some gluten free ham infused pancakes for himself. Like the southern belle that he is, he stuck an umbrella in it and took down that behemoth with a fork and knife. Pinkies up! Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan might make you think twice about the mental state of fabled legends but what would you do if your best friend was a cow and some 2nd rate lumberjacks made delicious, delicious bbq out of him? You’re goddamn right you’d get your Sloth yell on and drink the blood of any would be camping-trip-from-hell-prisoner who dares to touch the bong-horn of Babe. Comparing John Dies at the End to Axe Giant isn’t exactly fair. It would be like comparing your sandwich to ours. 2 different animals, and we use 4 animals. For one thing John presumably had a budget and used some of it to actually pay a guy to do their CGI. But don’t let the production value fool you. They also had a door knob that turned into a dick, a man made of meat, living mind and body altering drugs, David Lynchian mind-fucks, a bratwurst phone, a magic hero truck driving dog and in a beautiful piece of datenite continuity, a sweet little story about an axe. So yeah, it spoke to us. And now it won’t shut up. Between that and the meat sweats, it’s gonna be a long night. At least we know what’s for breakfast…

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Blood sausage, bacon, jalepeno summer sausage, onion gravy, fries, cheese curd and garlic bread sandwich

Blood sausage, bacon, jalepeno summer sausage, onion gravy, fries, cheese curd and garlic bread sandwich

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Swiiiiiiim!!!!! Ruuuuuuuuuun!!!!! Get a chainsaaaaaaw!!!!! Its a monst…. oh its Tara Reid. Still might want to run.

Swiiiiiiim!!!!! Ruuuuuuuuuun!!!!! Get a chainsaaaaaaw!!!!! Its a monst…. oh its Tara Reid. Still might want to run.

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There was blood in the water and blood on our minds. The kitchen had been chummed with pork and 3 voracious predators were moving in for the kill. Resident surfer/bartender/deadbeat dad/American hero Steve Sanders may have been able to save the Peach Pit from certain destruction but nothing was going to save these sandwiches. We were zoned in. No pistol shooting, chainsaw slingling or bridge repelling was going to stop this meat rage, this… meatnado. Yes we partook in cinema tonight too. We saw something scary, shocking, funny and even a little sad. And that was only Tara Reid. Ever wonder what Bunny Lebowski would look like if a tornado full of Great Whites punched her in the face? Well that time has come. At least she’s able to keep a straight face in the midst of the storm of the century. That’s more than you can say about us. We had some serious eating to do and there was no hiding our excitement. Bacon (suprise!), Jalepeno Summer sausage, onion gravy, garlic bread, cheese curds, fries and bloooooood. Blood sausage 2 ways, black and white. All was harmonious in the midst of the hunt. Look to the sausage Elaine, look to the sausage. Of course our resident vegetarian had his sammy sans bread. The ol’ garbage plate salad while the men ate sandwiches. The feast was spot on. Those blimey old bloody Brits got it down when it comes to tubing up blood and meat. G’day Guvna and all that. Oy! And Asylum knows how to make a movie, but Sharknado was more than a movie, it was an event. A celebration of earth and America and 90210 and dialogue, prose even. Yeah. Hrrmmm. Watch out! Yeah. Grrrrhhbbrrr. Watch out! Repeat. Classic. We had meat swirling in our bellies and sharks swirling around the sky. What else could we ask for? Sharks in a house, sharks in the street, sharks being picked off like skeet-sharks, homemade tornado bombs, bad Aussie accents, worse plastic surgery, extreme school bus rescues, annoying shark attack stories that never end even though the guy was only being polite asking about that scar, and chainsawing into AND out of a shark? Yeah I guess we could ask for that too…

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